Fail

I guess I'm a glutton for punishment. I have many expectations for myself, which I think having goals are important. I try to be everything:

A Good Mother

A Godly Wife

A Businesswoman

Trendy

Clean and Orderly

Calm parenting

Reader

Developing good spiritual habits

and with all of these, if I would give myself a report card it would read:

A Good Mother------- FAIL

A Godly Wife----------FAIL

A Businesswoman-----FAIL

Trendy------------------FAIL

Clean and Orderly-----FAIL

Calm parenting style--FAIL

Reader------------------Doing okay

Developing good spiritual habits---FAIL

In my head, I see the ways I fail. My shortcomings, and how I blow it. I freak out on my kids--FAIL. I give in--FAIL. I want to sleep longer--FAIL. Trendy? ha. (Sounds like I would be in a downright depression, huh?)

I am a perfectionist--though I have relaxed a lot. I want everything to be perfect in some way it would show that I strived hard enough, done enough, been enough. But perfectionism is any area of my life, with children, husband, myself, business, or God, will inevitably be a big fat FAIL. I will never be enough--so why even try? Because I can strive for excellence.

I was at sitting in the audience of a professional organizer. She was giving moms suggestions on how to keep their family and household under control. Many of her ideas were wonderful--she taught me how to eliminate paper piles (make DECISIONS on them and put them in proper places, instead of --over there). She taught me how to be SMART about my time (eliminate paper piles which distract you by 5 seconds for each paper out). I was starting to feel pretty good about myself.

Then, she said a wonderful quote.

"I am careful not to confuse excellence with perfection.

Excellence, I can reach for; perfection is God's business."

Michael J. Fox

God is teaching me amazing things--and here right in the middle of a lesson on how to organize my paper piles, I am struck with proverb that sends me to change my inward life.

I am reading a lot about parenting, the masculine heart, the feminine heart, and how that all correlates with God. God's teaching me that there is no "Act 3 Climax," no total fulfillment on this side of Heaven. I am learning that there is something more to strive for than parenting (because how they turn out is NOT up to me, how they are doing now is really NOT because of me). I am learning that basically "performance" doesn't matter.

I can strive... and FAIL to be perfect.

or I can strive for excellence and trip up a lot along the way. All I want for myself is to "live a natural life of absolute dependence on Jesus Christ."--Oswald Chambers.