Fail

I guess I'm a glutton for punishment. I have many expectations for myself, which I think having goals are important. I try to be everything:

A Good Mother

A Godly Wife

A Businesswoman

Trendy

Clean and Orderly

Calm parenting

Reader

Developing good spiritual habits

and with all of these, if I would give myself a report card it would read:

A Good Mother------- FAIL

A Godly Wife----------FAIL

A Businesswoman-----FAIL

Trendy------------------FAIL

Clean and Orderly-----FAIL

Calm parenting style--FAIL

Reader------------------Doing okay

Developing good spiritual habits---FAIL

In my head, I see the ways I fail. My shortcomings, and how I blow it. I freak out on my kids--FAIL. I give in--FAIL. I want to sleep longer--FAIL. Trendy? ha. (Sounds like I would be in a downright depression, huh?)

I am a perfectionist--though I have relaxed a lot. I want everything to be perfect in some way it would show that I strived hard enough, done enough, been enough. But perfectionism is any area of my life, with children, husband, myself, business, or God, will inevitably be a big fat FAIL. I will never be enough--so why even try? Because I can strive for excellence.

I was at sitting in the audience of a professional organizer. She was giving moms suggestions on how to keep their family and household under control. Many of her ideas were wonderful--she taught me how to eliminate paper piles (make DECISIONS on them and put them in proper places, instead of --over there). She taught me how to be SMART about my time (eliminate paper piles which distract you by 5 seconds for each paper out). I was starting to feel pretty good about myself.

Then, she said a wonderful quote.

"I am careful not to confuse excellence with perfection.

Excellence, I can reach for; perfection is God's business."

Michael J. Fox

God is teaching me amazing things--and here right in the middle of a lesson on how to organize my paper piles, I am struck with proverb that sends me to change my inward life.

I am reading a lot about parenting, the masculine heart, the feminine heart, and how that all correlates with God. God's teaching me that there is no "Act 3 Climax," no total fulfillment on this side of Heaven. I am learning that there is something more to strive for than parenting (because how they turn out is NOT up to me, how they are doing now is really NOT because of me). I am learning that basically "performance" doesn't matter.

I can strive... and FAIL to be perfect.

or I can strive for excellence and trip up a lot along the way. All I want for myself is to "live a natural life of absolute dependence on Jesus Christ."--Oswald Chambers.

Haiti--We Feel Your Pain and We Respond

Please Give whatever you can.

WORLD VISION

Take me on an Adventure

As part of my 2010 Goals, I am trying to read 24 books this year. That's two a month and at least one has to be non-fiction.

Thus far, I seem to be on track.

Currently, I am devouring Wild At Heart by John Eldridge.

And I am sorry it has taken me this long to read it.

It takes me into the inner workings of the man's soul, which I foolishly thought I understood. I am beginning to realize how much I really don't understand at all. I thought with how much I knew Brian, and how much we have talked even on this very particular subject, that I understood.

No. I just vaguely had some comprehension. That's it.

The beautiful thing is not only the book and touching on the "wildness" of the soul in a man... but my reaction to it.

How romantic.

Eldridge talks about the man needing a battle, an adventure, and a beauty. He speaks about the wildness that's in a man and how God is like that and created it. He stands back and looks that the church full of good-moral-ed but bored Christian men. You know, "The Really Nice Guys." And for women...boring. What kind of portrayal of Jesus are we giving?! Jesus was not "a really nice guy," being Mister Rogers doesn't get you murdered.

It's all screaming at me--"how romantic." I don't like chick-flicks and over the top fluff. But this is the real stuff. The excitement that women are after. And the amazing part of it is... I want to be a part of it! The adventure doesn't end when the beauty is saved. What kind of hero stops? No, the adventure is about something bigger--and the beauty is then along for the adventure as well.... sigh.....

I was explaining this to a couple of my girlfriends, about how wonderful it is to see a man on an adventure with a battle to fight. He's dangerous. He's robust, ruddy, and smells like dirt.

What does this adventure look like? Is it being a good husband and father? Yes... but mostly no.

William Wallace fought for something beyond himself. Freedom.
William Wilberforce fought for something beyond himself. Abolition of slavery.
Jesus fought for something beyond himself. Salvation.
Jim Elliot fought for something beyond himself. Gospel to the people in the Amazon.
Martin Luther King Jr. fought for something beyond himself. Equality.

Being on an adventure IS being a good husband and father. Of course, there is more to it, but having purpose and living by example IS being a good husband and father.

An adventure has a RISK factor. Something could go wrong--we could lose everything. But if it's beyond ourselves it's worth fighting for. And the adventure isn't about saving the beauty... It's having an adventure and saving her along the way.

______________________
Open Road by Nathan Lee

I don't know the way from here
been living under rocks and stones
its time to learn to see things clear
i can feel it in my bones
well I'm movin' on

I'm runnin' down an open road
like gasoline and fire
you can't shut me down
or burn me out
what am i living for
if I ain't climbing higher
don't wanna be has been
just wann be headin'
where I'm sposed' to go
until I die I'll be the man on the open road

it used to be sleepless nights
somewhere out under the stars
I finally found the morning light
you never thought I'd get this far
well I'm movin' on

This is the song for the morning after

2010 Goals

2010 already.

A New Year kind of creeps up on you, especially with all the excitement of the holiday season. Then BAM--it's the New Year, complete with taxes, clearance sales, really cold weather (at least for us in Minnesota), and New Year Resolutions.

I have been thinking a lot of New Year Resolutions. I never really took them seriously until a couple of years ago. So, I decided to make a goal and stick with it through out the year and see where it went.

Last year I committed to reading the Bible in a year and reading 12 books.

How did I do?

Well, I'm finishing up on the Bible in a Year. I only have a couple of minor prophets to go through and then I will complete it! So, It'll take me a year and a couple of weeks, but I will have read through the Bible!

I am really sure I read through 12 books... But here in lies the problem, I have no way to prove that. I forgot to write them down. So, I'm going to say I accomplished this.

This Years Goals:

Judging from my last year's goals, I am going to create goals that are measurable and attainable--but slightly out of grasp so that I have to strive.

I also was challenged to think of goals for the following areas:

Faith

Family

Friends

Finances

Fitness

Fun

2010 Goals

1. Faith-- Memorize 1 verse a month (with my children). And continue with a bi-weekly Bible Study.
2. Family--On the off week of Bible Study, Date night with my husband.
3. Friends--That's the Bible Study.
4. Finances-- Become Unit Manager by March, 100 new recruits (sound crazy check out this inspirational video!), and 3,500 in sales/month.
5. Fitness-- Run at least the 5k in our town. And be at my goal weight by June.
6. Fun-- Take my husband to Puerto Rico for free by achieving goals through lia sophia.

So, that's a lot for Goals! But I have learned, if you aim at nothing--you'll get it every time. So I'm aiming, striving for a Goal. And I have them written down--so I can't "forget" them by June!

2010 here I come!!!

Beyond Christmas Gifts...

America spends about $450 BILLION on the holidays... (and some of that is crap we don't want)

We've DOUBLED our amount of storage in the last 10 years for all of our crap.

We spend all this money to show people that we care... Can't we do it more effectively?

___________________________________________________

Last night I was talking with some of my friends; mulling over the Holiday spirit and Holiday consumerism (which we all buy into, and we all complain about).

Giving gifts isn't a problem. Giving a lot isn't a problem. But just giving with out thought--is a problem.

What if we gave some of that "giving money" that some of have or don't have...but give anyway... What if we gave to help those in need... especially those that don't have clean water.

WATER

Not having enough water.

I don't think about it much because I have it.

A LOT of it.

It's easy to get to (my kitchen). I turn it on and can let it run. It's hot. It's cold. I can fill a glass in seconds and give it to my children. I can cook with it. Bath with it. And drink it.

But how many people don't have that?

1 in 8

Sometimes women and children need to walk 3 hours to clean water--and that can be a dangerous trek.

80% of diseases and death are because of unsafe water and sanitation issues.

________________________________________

What if we gave some of our Christmas spending to an actual cause?!

I challenge you to give some of that Christmas money and give it to a Cause... something BEYOND YOURSELF.

Try:

WORLD VISION

CHARITY:WATER

or another organization of your choice.

You can still give it to someone, in their honor.

It'll probably be better than that Walmart or Target gift anyway.

If you do; I encourage you to post about it: post on here. Put it as your facebook or twitter status. Spread the true holiday spirit of holiday giving.

How I Feel Tonight...Because I don't know how to feel

FireFlies

By: Owl City

You would not believe your eyes
If ten million fireflies
Lit up the world as I fell asleep

'Cause they'd fill the open air
And leave teardrops everywhere
You'd think me rude
But I would just stand and stare

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems

'Cause I'd get a thousand hugs
From ten thousand lightning bugs
As they tried to teach me how to dance

A fox trot above my head
A sock hop beneath my bed
A disco ball that's just hanging by a thread

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems
When I fall asleep

Leave my door open just a crack
(Please take me away from here)
'Cause I feel like such an insomniac
(Please take me away from here)
Why do I tire of counting sheep
(Please take me away from here)
When I'm far too tired to fall asleep

To ten million fireflies
I'm weird 'cause I hate goodbyes
I got misty eyes as they said farewell

But I'll know where several are
If my dreams get real bizarre
'Cause I saved a few and I keep them in a jar

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems
When I fall asleep

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems
When I fall asleep

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
Because my dreams are bursting at the seams

Caribou... I miss you.

It's 10pm. My husband is at home with the kids, and I need to get out. I need to breathe a little bit, go out, DO something.

And this is when I miss my Caribou...

I miss the aroma, the atmosphere, and of course the warm cup of fine coffee in my hand. I miss spending time with friends, and hanging out. I miss reading a book there, where people are moseying in and out, chatting, and studying.

I miss having a place to go at 10 o'clock at night!

Everything around here is closed, or intensely boring. I drive around, running little errands, and walking really slow through the aisles of Walmart. There is nothing I want. Nothing I need--other than to be out.

So, I make my way back home, with more from Walmart than I would have spent at Caribou. Oh Caribou... I miss you...