When "coincidence" proves God's direction

Stirring. I have had a lot of that lately.

Something unsettled in my heart. Things not where I want them to be in my life. Stirring towards something. Something that I don't know what it is yet.

Stirring that's exciting, invigorating, and has me motivated.

And I can't figure out just what to do with myself.

Words keep coming up in my life.

Creativity

Entrepreneur

Justice

Identity

Non-Conformity

Status-quo

Reading

Leading

Love

Courage

Courageousness

Story

Epic

Strength

Perseverance

Lord, what on earth are doing?

I have learned that there are two sides of me. They do not want to be ignored. It's been a week since I have posted last, and I have finished a book, and started a list of others.

I have cleared off my scrapbooking table, and my wonderful husband hung up my shelves.

I have listened to a new band to me, the Weepies, that I LOVE.

I have prayed anew, learning, opening up to God, and ready to see things He's doing.

And then. I doubt.

I can't really be doing this... maybe I'm going to an early mid-life crisis. Maybe the things I'm learning is just supposed to calm me down. Maybe I'm just an energetic person with big ideas and no work. I can't do this. I'm too busy, too tired, too poor, too scared.

And then, I talk to a friend. And then, I find a list of books that my husband wrote down--and they match mine. And I learn that people find my skills valuable. And I learn that when there is something worth doing--people will follow.

And I know-- and these "coincidences" are not just so, but building blocks. Baby steps that God is helping me take before I even know that I am walking.

And I believe.

Creativity

It's kind of funny how you forget certain things about yourself. Or maybe you don't forget them, they just seem less important. Somehow something important about yourself gets stuffed in some back drawer of your mind, or to the bottom of a paper stack of "to-dos."

Finally, after some discussion, and finally got it out in words.

I have two very prominent parts of me: Justice and Creativity

Growing up, I focused a lot on Creativity. Art, the beauty of math, photography, painting, architecture, culture, thinking, theatre. All of this "left side brain" stuff was my life. I wanted to know Spanish fluently. I wanted to be in Theatre. I loved creating anything. I got into scrapbooking and photography.

Then, I learned more about Justice. Doing justice and understanding people. I LOVE my InterCultural Studies degree. I have used it more than I could even have imagined I would! I became involved in ministries--and that is where I have been ever since.

I still had some creative outlets, scrapbooking once in a while, photography, discovered a love for cooking/baking.

But this Creative side got pushed; pushed further and further into the back drawer. I would catch glimmers of it, but it was something I was good at that just kind of "came out" in my job every once in a while.

But that was enough it! It wanted to be loose!

Hence I started to really think about life and where God has ME going. God, there are two parts of me Justice and Creativity. They aren't so different, but how can I fuse them together? Become more of a whole person?

Well, it's slowly coming. I have had some ideas lately,

1. I would clear off that dusty scrapbook table and organize all my resources.
2. I am limiting my internet/computer time to less browsing and more productive digi-scrapping, blogging, and email/facebook. (PLAN of attack so that the computer just doesn't kill my day.
3. Reading non-fiction books that also focus on my creative side, not just justice and Christendom.
4. Listening to music more.
5. Praying more.

I'm excited.

Three Things: God Teaches

I haven't written all summer. And for that I am... well not so sorry. It's not like I haven't thought about doing my blog, but what can I say? Having 3 kids and a marathon life keeps me plenty busy and I haven't made it a priority.

There... blogging isn't my priority.

But, I've wanted to do one, and I thought, "Instead of waiting to be inspired, why don't I just do what Ali does and just blog... something?!"

Keeping it short. Keeping it simple.

And maybe if I literally have from "free time" i might explain it more in another entry.

So here we go:

3 Things: God Teaches

1. The beauty of thinking beyond what I know in the church.

I know traditional, I grew up Catholic. I was saved, and it was the only church I knew. I grew through what I had and the Holy Spirit. Then, I learn the beauty of the "non-traditional" church and went to a conservative Bible School. I start exploring all those "isms": modernism, postmodernism, evangelicalism, neo-evangelicalism, traditionalism, pentecostalism and more. I learned, am learning, and will continue to learn how God is moving in all those "isms."

Yep, it's vague. But it's a really long and probably to you, boring, road. But God and I get along and he knows what he needs to teach me and how.

Thank you, "isms" and how I have grown in my faith in God because of and inspite of them.

Books that relate:

Chasing Francis by Ian Morgan Cron

Deep Church by Jim Belchner

2. Forgiveness; I need to learn and relearn.

I think I learn this, but then a situation has to comes and I think I really need to "re-learn" for every situation and occurrence.

Sometimes: it's forgiving another person.

Sometimes: it's forgiving the situation.

Sometimes: it's forgiving God.

Sometimes: it's forgiving myself.

I think I have the hardest time with the last one.

3. Living a story worth living.

God has taken me on a slow and deep journey for this one. One with many twists and turns. With forks in the road, beautiful sights, and despairing moments.

I think that this is really the lesson that I am really interested in and wanting to learn the most about. It has peaked my interest.

I love it when God uses different areas of life to say, "Look at this! It's a reminder that I am still thinking all about you and I want the best for you."

This is probably another post in itself, and I feel like when I try to explain what God is showing me and teaching me, most people look at my quizzically and smile and nod. Maybe some really do get it. I don't know. But, I do want a story that's epic.

Books that relate:

A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller,

The Lord of the Rings Trilogy by J. R. R. Tolkien

There is so much more to touch on. But I think that's enough for now... I have children that need to take a nap.

Chau

Trying to remember the bigger picture

It's very easy for me to get wrapped up in my own problems. They really are huge and overwhelming--especially when I am trying to "help" anybody beyond myself. Their problems... my problems... It's a whole lot of mess in this broken world.

And I don't like mess.

But, it's funny how God takes me on these lessons... adventures really... and how it starts slowly...

Have you ever notice that when we listen to the news it's usually about stars, sex scandals, and whatever... but nothing too much about the rest of the world? I don't even watch TV (we don't even have it) and I can get that much out of our media. It's stupid and inconsequential.

But when we hear about serious problems around the world: Human trafficking, genocide, earthquakes, hurricanes, starvation, plight, and AIDs... it's almost like we shrug our shoulders and think, "Yeah... what else is new?"

We've heard it all. Seen it all. And thanks to the vividness of Hollywood--we've seen what starvation, devastation, and destruction look like. We have become shockless. Nothing surprises us.

Okay, Betsy... where is this going?

Well, over the course of my Christian life--I have seen God pointing these out. My heart hurts. Tears. I think and dwell on these things. I have struggled over so many things: orphans of Romania, genocide in Rwanda, apartheid of South Africa, AIDs epidemic in Africa, earthquakes in Haiti and Chile, hurricane in Louisiana. So much hurt... Where is God in all of this?

Right in the midst of it. I am not going to go on theological tangents, but that is what He's showing me.

I am reading Left to Tell by Immaculée Ilibagiza, a survivor of the Rwandan holocaust. She describes how her faith in God helped her through.

I have such little faith, in such a big God. She tells about a God who is loving... Just... and she was the hunted. She was the one who lost everyone.

God makes sure I finally read this book, right when I thought everything was overwhelming. When the mess of my life and others' was just too much. And then He shows me the big pictures.

It's not about me.

It's never been about me.

And when I finally remove myself and focus on the Big Picture--Him, I realize that if he's caring on hurting people, helping those in trouble, using us to love on others... then my problems seem quite small.

Finally....a camera

It came! My camera came! I have been without a digital camera for over a year (when it broke on Easter of 2009). Plus, I've been wanting a DSLR anyway... but when my other broke I thought... "Finally! I can have a reason to upgrade!" Well, I didn't think it would take me over a year to save up for a new one, but I did it!

I got a Canon Rebel XSI. Now I realize there are newer and better on the market, but for a year of doing research, I knew this is what would work for my purposes.

Now, here we are, in the midst of moving, my house is destroyed from packing and cleaning... but I am STILL baking a birthday cake. AND I am playing around with my new camera.

AND while I'm off task... let's make a digital scrapbook page.

AND... let's just hurry up and post it on Blogger.

Why not? Gotta enjoy these memories.

Cheers. :)

Right Here

Life is always complicated. After years of wishing that it will slow down or de-complicate itself (yes, I know it's not a word), I have come to the realization that it won't happen.

There are always going to be tough decisions.

Decisions that everyone else doesn't understand.

Decisions that are just plain wrong and everyone else sees it but you don't.

And confusion.

And that's the way it is. Is there is "right" way? Probably not. I think that there are many "right" ways to do most things. (Now don't get me wrong, there are many "wrong" ways too. And there are moral and non-moral ways to handle things.)

But, life in black and white....I don't think it exists. And if it does for some, then they are only sticking with one frame of thinking, and I don't think God just uses one way to do things.

I have been learning a lot lately about a lot of things, and interwoven in it is this idea that God never did the same things twice. He rescued the Israelites from the Egyptians by having them cross the Red Sea and parting the waters. He rescued the Israelites from the Assyrians by having a Babylonian empire take over them, and the Medio-Persian Empire take over them, and THEN they could go back to Israel under King Cyrus. Amazing sea-parting experience that happened all at once, compared to political decree that happened after 3 empires over hundreds of years.... Interesting.

Jesus healed many blind people--but every time it's recorded in the Bible, he does it differently! He speaks, he touches, he uses mud, he only half heals and then fully heals. Interesting.

He's unpredictable. He's un-controllable. He's amazing.

In all of this, I have begun to learn to not predict what he's doing. I am learning to know that things will not turn out as I expected.

And that I can see Him work here.

Right here.

Right now.

Sounds strange in the area that I live in. "What? What's He going to do here?"

But honestly, the nations are coming to this town's doorstep. Feed the hungry. Help the poor. There is so much of it right here. Fight for justice. Love your neighbors.

All... right... here...

I saw it before, it's just not where I wanted to be. Couldn't I go to a larger city? Couldn't I go to another country? Why on Earth did God plant me HERE?! I love being around family... but really?

But here is where He planted me. He never works the same. He has his own ideas on how things should work.

He's in control. And he's letting me find my way.

What a great combination.

Solitude

"Brian, I think we need to slow down."

Really, I think we've been going at a breakneck speed for a bit too long. Now, I realize having 3 kids so fast will do that, each one speeding up life exponentially. I also realize that having 3 jobs will do that.

I desire to actually spend time with my kids, instead of spending time around them. I love reading to them, playing dinosaurs, and playing playdough. But, really, I spend a lot of time running around, making supper, cleaning the house, tending to my business, getting ready for the next thing.

What about now?!

So, we are working on this. Slowing down.....

Granted, it's not going too well.

Brian's leaving for a Twins game tonight. I'm probably going to work on taking glue off the walls so we can paint.

And oh yeah, we're moving. So packing up the apartment. Having it ready for showing.

Maybe it'll slow down, and I realize I'm the one that has to put on the breaks...

But you know, as I write this, I realize that I still find those times of solitude. I love my coffee (or soon to be tea...I'm trying to break an addiction) in the morning, whether it's quietly reflecting on the Word, or if I have it in a travel mug on the way to MOPS. I love my showers (the one place I can be alone without someone demanding my attention). I love grocery shopping...especially when I get everything on my list in budget!

And sometimes, I have a cyber place of solitude. I can blog about things, listen to music, and reflect.

I'm sure the kids are destroying my house before they nap. (Like the other day... they ate 1/2 a pan of muffins before I realized it.)

That's okay. I'll clean it all up...

...in just a little bit...